Here’s the shakedown: You submit me ideas for gratuitous, overly-thought out battles between fictional (or real) characters.

I will, in psychotic detail, analyze how the fight would go down, how it might occur, and set ground rules.

All to determine…

WHO WOULD WIN?

Our first fight is between two chain-smoking bad boys who’re nigh-invulnerable, sport some wild hair, and can take on the entire US military with nothing but some knives.

Wolverine VS. Brock Samson

Wolverine, of X-men Fame, is a Mutant with the ability to heal from injuries. He also has an unbreakable metal skeleton, acute hearing and smell, and hundred-inch fucking sword claws that pop out of his wrists. Despite being roughly five foot two, this backwoods beast proves that not all Canadians are crepe-sucking pussies.

His accomplishments include:
Being run over by a steamroller and living

Being shot in the brain, set on fire, having almost all of his fucking flesh removed, and living, on a quasi-daily basis. I can’t even begin to look for a fight this guy has technically lost. He fights the hulk, fuck, multiple hulks, he even fights the God of Death EVERY TIME he gets injured heavily, and if he wins, he lives.

He has not lost to date.

Brock Samson, from Venture Brothers, is a Half Swedish, Quarter Polish, Quarter Winnebago bodyguard, widely known and feared for his ability to lay 2 metric fucktons of hurt on hundreds of people at once. He regularly kills supervillains, terrorists, and mythical beasts. He might not have sensory abilities, but he does have a superhuman ability to tell if someone is in his car.

His accomplishments include:

Surviving with his heart completely replaced by a robot’s head.

Giving himself a haircut, arranging his cut hair into a wig, killing a shark, putting his shirt and the wig on the shark, and arranging it into a trap to decapitate his attacker, all while being dragged behind a speedboat in the fucking ocean while other live sharks were gums-deep in his flesh.

Killing an endless legion of Ninjas, Frogmen, and T-Rexes with nothing but a knife.

When it comes to fighting skill, honestly, they’re evenly matched. They both eschew modern weaponry in favor of their own. So as far as equipment goes, Wolverine will be unarmed, while Brock Samson has his knife and nothing more.

Location doesn’t seem to be an issue for these two, so the fight will be in the greater New York area. They both have trademark vehicles, a motorcycle for Wolverine, and a 69’ Charger for Brock, so both will be parked nearby in the event this turns into a chase, which it won’t, because these fuckers don’t run.

Both of them would exchange some machismo-loaded, far-from-empty threats, light up their favored brand of tobbaciana, and charge at one another, screaming as they brandish their weapons. The fight would quickly take to the ground, where Brock might gain a bit of an upper-hand, being an expert in his own self-perfected brand of Death Judo. Wolverine, on the other hand, is pretty much trained as a fucking samurai, so they’re both master Martial Artists. They’d toss and turn, dodging cars, people running away screaming,  and at this point both of them would probably have taken some cuts from the other. This is where Wolverine’s got Brock beat. He can sustain scores more damage than anything Brock can simply because of his healing factor. Brock can sustain a lot of injury, too, so this is a lot.

There’s no real way I can see Wolverine dying in this fight. decapitation is out of the question, given his skeleton, but even Wolverine gets worn out. I can’t see either of them admitting defeat, either, so someone is going to die.

This really all boils down to who tires out first. If Brock does, he’s dead. If Wolverine does, Brock will mangle what he can to the point where he can walk away safely. I’m trying as hard as I can to make excuses for Brock to win, but this is like Daken vs. Punisher: he’s gonna put up a hell of a fight, but if he doesn’t run, he’s fucked.

Either two things happen.

The two combatants, tired and injured, collapse on top of one another in a bloody heap. They chuckle, exchange machismo-loaded compliments like “You’re not half bad, bub”, and shake it off, head to a bar, grab some beers, and plant the seeds of what could be a very beautiful and very bad-ass friendship.

or, Brock, lost in his bloodlust, refuses to give up. And he finds himself a victim of the adamantium-coated sword of Damocles.

Sorry, Brock, but unless you admit he’s got you topped, the fight goes to Wolverine.

WOLVERINE WINS